


Bitch Where Dem Tiddies At?

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 22:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5223395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji is a total hypocrite and yet I continue to love him. Explain to me that one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bitch Where Dem Tiddies At?

All kinds of people gathered at port, so as such, all kinds of songs could be heard when you arrived at port. The songs ranged from old sailor songs passed down from old pirates and marines to younger crewmates and recruits, to the latest hits from whatever artist was most popular at the time. And as such, that could mean that the songs sung could be something that they didn’t want impressionable minds to hear and then repeat to their heart’s content.

Today just so happened to be one of those lazy days. Taking the rare moment of silent on deck, Usopp had decided to lean against the rail and practice his drawing skill by just drawing out the deck and the calm that had currently settled over it. He knew it was going to be short lived, so why let the silence and calm that came with Luffy off exploring the island and Zoro being on deck to make sure nothing overly terrible happened.

Though that plan was short lived as words that they had never expected to hear their perhaps worryingly innocent captain sing out loudly and shamelessly as he walked back onto the ship.

“BITCH WHERE DEM TIDDIES AT?!” The silence shifted from a comfortable and quiet calm, to varying degrees of shock, some of pure mortification and some of pure amusement of the situation that had just unfolded before their eyes. None of them could believe this was actually happening as the captain continued on with his incredibly vulgar song. Everything had stopped, and all eyes were on him, but that didn’t seem to bother him. His song continued as he walked across the deck as if nothing was incredibly wrong with this picture.

They all sat there on deck just kinda looking at each other. As mildly mortifying as it was to hear his captain sing a song like that as loudly and as proudly as he did, he had to admit it was also kinda funny. Looking around, it seemed as though Nami and Robin were in the same boat. It probably mostly had to do with the fact that it was Luffy singing the song, and on this crew it was blatantly obvious where the tiddies were at. It got hot out at sea, and the women on the ship chose to dress accordingly.

The tipping point for why this was so funny, was the look of pure horror on the cooks face upon walking out just in time for Luffy to return to the chorus and loudly and rhetorically ask “Bitch where dem tiddies at?”

He was just so shocked upon hearing those words that he almost dropped the tray of drinks he had been carrying. It would never fail to amaze him just how well he could catch and balance a tray of drinks like that and not spill a drop. He almost had to wonder just how many times he had had to do that in his lifetime to get so good at it. Or maybe he was born with just freakish balancing skills and had been in the circus as a young child prior to being a cook. At the same time it was weird thinking of a point where Sanji wasn’t a cook.

He’d deal with his chef related conspiracy theories later as right now there were more interesting things to focus on. Like the beautiful shade of what he was going to refer to as “horrified red”. It was at this point where not even the masterful levels of ignorant bliss their captain could hold for such extended periods of time could manage to ignore what was unfolding in front of their eyes. The song had died on his lips and instead a confused look made its way across his face as it tilted to the side like some sort of confused dog.

“Hey Sanji, what’s goin on? You seem upset about something.” Luffy asked, completely unaware in his way. He couldn’t help but wonder if their captain was actually that dumb, or if this was all just a really clever move on his part to make everyone think that he was dumb so that no one suspected him of anything and this was how he managed to pull such amazing pranks when they were bored. His pranks were second only to his, but really holding him up to his standard didn’t seem fair in the least.

During this whole train of thought, it seemed as though he had missed nothing. He had come back to Sanji standing there, too horrified to actually managed words. Instead he sounded like some sort of angry bug trying to be scary enough for whatever was threatening it to leave it the hell alone.. Luffy looked baffled by the display as his head tilted to the other side, before deciding that he had a better use of his time than stand there and listen to Sanji make weird noises.

The cook only had the power to overcome this when Luffy took a deep breath in as he was probably about to return to loudly belting out this new song he learned. Usually by this point everyone had gone back to whatever they had been doing prior, but everyone seemed to be on the same page about wanting to see where this goes.

“Luffy! You can’t sing songs like that! Do you even know what you’re singing about?!” He scolded, as if he were in any position to scold anyone about their treatment of women.

“I’m pretty sure he’s singing about how he wants to know where dem tiddies at.” Zoro snarked from across the deck. Had Zoro not also been a monster like Sanji, his blood would have probably turned to ice. He wasn’t even directly in the line of sight of that glare and he got chills.

“I’ll deal with you in a second.” He scolded, before turning back to rubber man standing there completely confused as to what he had possibly done wrong by singing a song.

“That song is completely inappropriate and you won’t talk about women like that! Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done!” There was a few bouts of attempts to hold back laughter on deck from what had just fallen out of his mouth. Did he honestly miss the irony of all this? This was unbelievable in the funniest and saddest way.

“No that’s dumb. It’s just a stupid song that’s not meant to be taken seriously. Besides you’re not my dad. You can’t send me to my room.” Luffy countered, with a ton matching that of a fussy child. This whole situation was ridiculous and no one wanted to stop it because of how entertaining it was to watch.

“Would you rather I take away your meat for a month?” Sanji challenged.

There was a silent standoff that lasted for a good five minutes. No one moves, and no one said anything. They all wanted to know if Luffy would try stand his ground against this claim, or if Sanji would just decide to kick him into the men’s cabin himself. No one wanted to break this tension. It was just too incredible and palpable.

But after the standoff, Luffy turned and stormed off arms crossed and shoulders slumped. His face contorted into a pout. The door slammed as the captain’s sulking session began. They’d let him pout for now, he’ll probably just end up taking a nap anyways, so they’d just leave him to that. 

The mood stayed just as ridiculous as Sanji the twirled off in a small tornado after taking back up his tray towards Nami and Robin, who had watched this all unfurl and found it all as funny as the rest of them did.

“I’m so sorry that you had to hear that vulgar song, Nami my love and Robin my sweet. I really should have stepped in sooner and I humbly apologize for not doing so before his fowl song defiled your ears.” He swooned, practically falling all over himself as he spoke to them, setting their drinks on the table for them.

“Well that’s not exactly what I was going to say.” Robin said, a hint of mischief in her smile. Oh no she was not. There was no way she was going to.

“And what’s that, my dear Robin?” He had no idea, and Usopp could barely contain his laughter.

“Bitch, where dem tiddies at?”


End file.
